What Causes Low Self Esteem?

Low self esteem can develop for many reasons, including criticism, difficult relationships, bullying, unrealistic expectations, comparison with other people and experiences that leave you feeling as though you are not good enough. Sometimes there is a clear reason for it. At other times, a person simply reaches a point where they realise they have been putting themselves down for years without really knowing when it started.

Self esteem is essentially the way we value and think about ourselves. It can change throughout life, too. Someone who was confident at school may struggle with their self worth after a difficult relationship or losing their job, while somebody who lacked confidence when they were younger may become much more comfortable with themselves later in life.

 

Could Your Childhood Affect Your Self Esteem?

 

The way we are treated when we are young can shape the way we learn to think about ourselves.

A child who is constantly criticised may start to assume that making mistakes means they are a failure. Someone who rarely receives praise or encouragement might grow up questioning whether they are good at anything. Even comments that seemed insignificant at the time can sometimes stay with us.

Bullying is another common factor. Being picked on because of your appearance, personality, abilities or background can be particularly damaging when it happens repeatedly. When somebody has spent years being told that there is something wrong with them, it can be difficult to simply switch those thoughts off as an adult.

That said, childhood is not the only place low self esteem comes from.

 

Can Relationships Damage Your Self Esteem?

 

A relationship can have a surprisingly big effect on how you see yourself. Being with someone who constantly criticises you, dismisses your feelings or makes you feel that you are difficult to love can gradually wear down your confidence. You may start second guessing yourself and wondering whether you are actually the problem.

It can happen outside of romantic relationships too. Difficult friendships, strained family relationships and unpleasant experiences at work can all affect how you feel about yourself.

Sometimes the signs are subtle. You might find yourself apologising when you have done nothing wrong, worrying constantly about upsetting people or accepting behaviour that you would never tell a friend to put up with.

 

 

Does Comparing Yourself With Other People Lower Self Esteem?

 

It certainly can, particularly when comparison becomes a habit. Social media has made it incredibly easy to measure your life against somebody else’s. You see their holiday, new home, relationship, career success or carefully chosen photograph, then compare it with everything you think is missing from your own life.

The problem is that you are comparing your full reality with a very small, edited part of somebody else’s.

Appearance can be particularly influential. A 2022 survey of 30,636 people across 16 countries found that 46% of 18 to 24 year olds reported that concerns about their body image had a negative effect on their wellbeing, compared with 41% of those aged 25 to 34. When appearance becomes tied to ideas about success or worth, it is understandable that body image can become closely connected with confidence.

 

 

Can Perfectionism Cause Low Self Esteem?

 

For some people, being highly driven looks like confidence from the outside. Inside, however, it can be a very different story.

If you expect yourself to get everything right, an ordinary mistake can feel much bigger than it really is. You finish a presentation and immediately think about the one sentence you got wrong. You receive a good mark but focus on the question you missed. Someone compliments your work and you assume they are only being polite.

There is always another standard to reach. Eventually, your achievements may stop feeling like evidence that you are capable because you have become much better at noticing what you have not done.

 

Can Stress And Difficult Life Changes Affect Self Esteem?

 

Sometimes low self esteem appears after life has become particularly difficult. Losing your job, going through a separation, struggling financially or moving somewhere unfamiliar can leave you feeling less secure. You might question your decisions or wonder whether you are capable of dealing with what is happening.

Mental health and self esteem can also influence one another. When you are already feeling anxious, low or overwhelmed, it can be much easier to believe the negative things you tell yourself.

 

Why Do I Always Put Myself Down?

 

Sometimes low self esteem becomes so familiar that negative self talk happens almost automatically. You make a mistake and immediately think, “I’m useless.” You cancel plans and tell yourself nobody wanted you there anyway. Someone disagrees with you and you assume they must dislike you.

These thoughts can feel like facts because you have repeated them so many times. One useful step is simply noticing them. Ask yourself whether you would speak to somebody you care about in the same way. If the answer is no, it is worth questioning why you believe that standard should apply to you.

 

 

Can Therapy Help With Low Self Esteem?

 

Yes, therapy can give you the opportunity to look at where your negative beliefs about yourself came from and importantly, why they have continued.

At Connect Psychology, our psychologists can help you explore the experiences, relationships and thought patterns that may be affecting your confidence. Therapy is about developing a more realistic and kinder understanding of who you are.

Low self esteem can feel deeply ingrained, particularly when you have lived with it for a long time. With the right support, it is possible to understand those old beliefs, question them and gradually build a healthier sense of self worth.